Falling Leaves, Passing time

By fourth year Aubrey Ford

Walking back to my car, I saw the first tinges of red promising the upcoming fall. It’s cute. A sign of the new season, of change, of life moving forward. It means perfectly chilly nights and Halloween are just around the corner. But I am also reminded that I have no one to bring back with me for Thanksgiving. I can go to a drive-in movie, but I cannot snuggle up with someone when a cold breeze comes by. I can go to a pumpkin patch, sure, but I fear my hands will remain unheld.

I find myself grieving when this time of year comes around. It is beautifully breathtaking watching the world engulfed in swathes of orange and brown. I love the crispy weather and crunchy leaves. I have so much to appreciate and yet this season remains a stinging reminder that I still have no one to run home to, no one who wishes to be mine.

At a certain point, you have to grieve the expectations you had for your own life. I’d thought I’d be able to say I had a boyfriend by now. I’d hoped that a lover would rub my back and read me to sleep. I’ve imagined bringing someone home to my parents. I was sure, at the very least, that someone would’ve kissed me and meant it by now.

It feels like a personal failing. I worry I still have something to fix. Maybe I don’t love myself enough. Maybe I should do another tarot reading to tell me why I still struggle with this. Maybe, just maybe, I am supposed to be alone for the rest of my life. If I accept it now, I can get started early and adopt my first cat.

I know these things aren’t necessarily true. But when I turn to other sources for possible solutions, I get so many conflicting answers on how to navigate the search for love. Play the numbers game. Delete the dating apps! Let it come to you naturally. Seek it out aggressively. Accept that you’ll just be alone! Be hot and cold. Wait three months before you do anything. Keep a roster. Don’t date anyone! Focus on yourself, and the right one will come along.

It’s confusing. I don’t know if I’m doing anything right or everything wrong. And it’s frustrating to see others receive what we have desired for so long. I feel like I’ve done some of the right things: I love myself, I know what I want, I’m emotionally intelligent. I’ve tried quite a few of these “prescriptions,” and yet I have nothing to show for it.

I find myself frustrated because I worked so hard to be ready. I’ve read, I’ve journaled, I’ve dissected myself, I fixed everything I could find that would “prevent” me from being a good partner. However, the work of being a good person is not for the sake of someone else. It’s for me. Nothing “happens” because nothing is supposed to happen. I’ve been trying to remind myself that I do not get a good relationship because I am a good person. I am always deserving of one but it is not a reward. It is not a sign that I am loveable.

There is no finish line of working on myself I can cross that will gift me the relationship that I have longed for.

I start feeling shamefully desperate after a while. Am I allowed to want this? We all want to be loved, right? No one else says anything. I wonder if anyone feels the way I do. I know it is not wrong to want to be loved. I am human. But I have many friends who love me, and I am lucky to have parents that adore me. And yet, I still feel as if something is missing. I feel guilty. Is that not enough love for me? I know there is no timeline for love. Everyone is on a different path. I cannot force anyone to love me. I want to believe that my life is just beginning but as I watch the leaves yellow and wither outside my bedroom window, I feel as if time is only running out.

It is so difficult to remain hopeful sometimes. The past does not determine how things will be in the future. Things very well could be different. I have not found a solution to this problem. Perhaps I should stop viewing it as a shortcoming of mine. I think it may just be a fact of life. That does not make the despair, anxiety, or yearning any less intense. If you feel any similar, I do not have a solution for you. But I see you. I am right here with you.

I try to remind myself that love is not a finite resource. Others finding love does not mean that it will never find us. That may not feel true all of the time. That is okay. We can cry. We can wish things played out differently, that we didn’t lose the one, that someone would finally see us for the lovely people we are and sweep us off our feet. We can grieve a milestone we thought would have happened. We can face heartbreak and live to smile again someday. We can fall down and feel defeated and dust ourselves off. Others finding love does not lock us out of it. It is instead proof that it exists for us, too.

Examine your relationship with love. What is it? How do you know it is good? How do you love someone? How do you want someone to love you? There are many conflicting messages about what love is, just like the confusing messages we get about how to find it.

Love is shown as a deeply transactional thing. Do you think that is true? They say love is only valid if you can prove you’ve received it. Keep a tally of how much love you’ve received. Do you think you can quantify and score love? Look within and ask yourself if that is what you truly want. A scoreboard of gifts and kisses? A chart of should’ve, could’ve, would’ve? Only loving when the exact same amount of effort has been given to you?

It is scary to love when you find yourself on the giving end of unrequited love. I have been there more times than I can count. That is exactly what love asks us to do. It doesn’t depend on whether someone feels the same. Love for the sake of loving, not for being loved. It makes us vulnerable, opens up the parts of us that we don’t want anyone else to see. Don’t be afraid to let love out of the locked door you keep it in. It is eternal, everlasting, and all consuming. Do not do yourself the disservice of hiding it away from yourself and the world.

I still sometimes find myself hiding away. It is hard to be vulnerable, tiring to remain open to love, frustrating to not find what I am looking for. That is okay. Sometimes I must turn my focus inward. I remind myself that I am full of love regardless. I gently hold my own hand as I cry. I say again and again that I will remain soft. I may not be able to find a single, applicable answer, but I try to see this as an opportunity to be kinder to myself. I move forward knowing some days I will be shaken and discouraged but others I will wake up empowered.

I keep coming back to gentle reminders. A lack of romantic love does not mean I am now and forever will be unworthy of love. I do not know what will happen.

I will not let the past trick me into believing it is the future.

Staring the deep, dark fear that I will never be loved in the face is not easy. But losing hope and succumbing to it is a fate far worse.

I love because I love loving, not because I want to be loved. I know that one day, someone will hold my hand, too. One day the leaves will fall and I will not think that time is running out. I will love to the fullest extent I can, because that is all I can do. I remain a good lover to myself. I strive to love my friends the best that I can. I love strangers, I love the world, I love being alive. There is much more to life than romantic love and I hope that as the seasons pass, I can find peace in that truth.

Falling Leaves, Passing Time

Falling Leaves, Passing time