“A Meeting”

by third year Brantley Jenkins

Like I just told you, when I heard him behind me, I had to turn and get away. If I didn’t, I would now be a pile of broken bones trampled by a horse. But I’m better than that – I hear things coming behind me. My powers of detection are beyond your comprehension, and they saved me from a horrid week of recovery. And! more importantly, my ears let me be on time so you all could hear my dashing story of dodging a charging horse!

Anyways, I digress, that wasn’t the point of me calling you all to a meeting today. As much as I wanted to tell everyone about my harrowing experiences out on the road, that was not the focus of our itinerary. No. We are here to discuss a matter of great import. A matter (one that you are all intimately familiar with, I’m sure) of life itself. This matter comes from a place of great history, triumph, and conquest. Today: today we speak of a great topic hailing directly from Italy. Today, we talk about pizza!

More specifically, we talk about why pineapple does not belong on pizza. Now, I hear no objectors (and even if I did I would talk too fast for anyone to get a word in edgewise) so I may begin. Simply put: pineapple does not belong on pizza.

Disregarding the fact that pineapple is a bromelated food – and that it’s yellow and gooey – it does not pair well with tomato. The yellows and reds make such a horrid combination on what should be an otherwise pristine white with some red undertones. A perfect pizza blush if you will. These pineapple blemishes only detract from the incredible aesthetic appeal of the world’s greatest food. Like dwarves and elves, pineapple and tomato are too different to even consider being in the same vicinity, much less on the same piece of pie.

Like Chris Fronzak, the man whose whole life is pizza, said, “pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza” (“Pizza” by Attila, 2:36). I do think we should defer to the man who has a close relationship with Papa John for guidance on what does and does not belong on pizza. He quite clearly states that the abhorrent, spiky apple of the pine does not have a place of honor upon the throne of utmost delight. With this in mind (comma, pause for effect), I propose an end to all who would dare desecrate the sanctity of our pizzas with that treacherous, angsty fruit – if it can even be called a fruit.

Thank you, Council. Meeting is adjourned as there is no vote necessary; I am correct and pineapple will be banned from all meetings hereafter.