In Search of Stillness

by third year Teresa Lu

to you:

who is searching for home

and can not find it

for you:

who hears the word “home” and

hears ceramic shattering on kitchen walls

tastes salt on the pillowcase and smoke on your tongue

who has realized:

it is too easy to find someone who feels like home

but much harder to keep them

because ultimately,

home tastes like loneliness

who has tried:

to build a home, filled with a family found over the years

brimming with music

where laughter dances as light streams through the windows

and every corner holds a cherished memory

yet

craves the familiar chaos

i wish you forgiveness and acceptance on your search:

permission

to get overly angry at the small things

to lose yourself in the smoke

to sleep the day away

or even run when joy finally finds you

i want you to know that when you reach home:

you will hate what you find

it will be kind and inevitable and gross all at once

too quiet for comfort, and you will want to escape the stillness

i’m here to tell you to stay:

against all the urges in your body telling you to leave,

it has honed this protective instinct

but know you are safe now

here, in this gentle and tender space

let yourself idle

put as many pillows on the bed as you’d like

stock the fridge with your favorite foods

watch TV all day and maybe adopt a cat

look at what you have created

call it what you’d like

stay