Closure
photo by arantxa villa
Closure
third-year rin greco
Apologize
I remember a time when I thought two simple words would be enough; two simple words would right the wrongs, satisfy a need for a neatly packaged ending. Justice and peace were synonymous in my mind. I thought that if I received a sincere apology from you, I could obtain closure. Closure. A conclusion, neat, orderly, where I was right and you were wrong. I wanted the truth. I needed it. I needed to understand.
I’m Sorry
But now, there is now way for me to accept your olive branch. How can I forgive you, how can you make amends? There is nothing I want from you and there is nothing you have to give. I only want back what is already lost. My time, my tears, all the other parts you took, not because you cared, but because you could. What good does your apology do? I do not want to be smoothed over. I do not want another empty “I’m sorry,” meaningless and for show, like everything else you do and say. I wanted the truth, the truth of you. Now I see it. It is dimensionless and shallow.
It’s Okay
When I see that truth, I feel a strange peace. The reasons why you hurt me, why you mistreated me, the need for you to acknowledge it, none of it matters. I do not need it to matter. Because the “why” has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. I almost cannot be angry with you anymore. I do not believe you are capable of any better– and it would not be fair of me to hold it against you. Pathetic justifications, appeasing misdirections, more lies, are all unnecessary.
Closure
Every day, there is more distance. What passed between us seems smaller, beneath me in a way. On the rare occasion you cross my mind, I feel removed. There is no sadness for a lost friendship; I know that I was never truly your friend. There is no anger; I know that anger will not straighten what is already bent. I have conviction in knowing that I handled my mistakes with grace. There is strength in tying loose ends with my own hands. There is nothing more I need from you that I cannot give myself. I know who you are. I know who I am. That is more than enough.