fourth year sydney kohne

Today

i painted my nails

for the third time this week.

From dark blood red to pearly white

to jet black, was it my mood that shifted?

Did i just need yet again another change in an

attempt to get away from the monotony i keep imagining?

The decorations adorning my walls got a fresh makeover too,

from hand-painted canvases to a picture board that i already know

will never look the same for more than two weeks at a time. it’s the walls,

it’s my nails, it’s the inability to eat the same meal two days in a row, it’s the desire for

constant inconsistency, it’s the way i need a change to happen to feel just a little bit more sane.

Last week

i cried yet again

because the person

who i could envision giving

all of my affection is gone. the

next day i made plans with someone else.

three days later i was swiping left, swiping right,

swiping up and down within a 30 mile radius and typing

messages to people i knew i wasn’t going to entertain the next day.

stuff like this is supposed to be a big decision right? but it was the change,

the way the desires had shifted, the shiny new opportunities that were begging to be explored.

this year

i’m expected to go

through the biggest change

of my newly-minted, adolescent

adult life. this is no longer a matter of

passing fancy, no longer a whimsical and

funny choice to be made with no regard to the

consequences. this is the change, and i’m ready for it.

after all, isn’t change what i’m good at? my whole life of feeling

like i was moving on too quickly, not taking enough time to deliberate,

of people around me saying that i needed to slow down, this was the moment

i was preparing for, the moment where change becomes something concrete. whether

we like it or not, change is coming, hard and fast, and we better be ready for it when it does.

Changes