fourth year jake forgay

I like to hold big ideas about myself. I like to think that I’m special; that I’m smarter than I actually am; that I’m more competent than I actually am; that I’m more physically fit, better looking and more entertaining and charming than I actually am; that I’m better than in some fundamental, dispositional kind of way. It feels good. There is something inflating about it that grants a token of worth or specialty to my existence and place in the world.

But I am constantly reminded of the fact that actuality suggests otherwise. That same person who prides himself on his intellectual and athletic prowess is also the same person who can be caught scarfing down multiple boxes of sugary cereal (Cinnamon toast Crunch to be exact), binging Star Wars - The Clone Wars at two o’clock in the afternoon, procrastinating the hell out of some embarrassingly simple task; Someone who questions whether he is using the semicolon correctly while writing this sentence; Someone who secretly depends on auto-correct to provide the correct spelling of “narcissist” or any other word that no doubt a third grader would know.

That same person who prides himself on his social charm or prestige is also someone who is socially anxious, insecure, and guarded; who stutters around attractive women and has difficulty making friends; Someone who compares himself to others’ accomplishments and talents, and feels inferior and inadequate as a result of it.

But it feels good, that alpha quality; the upside of the ego. It's intoxicating, stabilizing, satisfying, almost comforting. Yet there is something covertly sinister about it that often goes unnoticed.

Not only does it justify feelings of entitlement, grandiosity and superiority, but it also creates a condition for feelings of fraudulence, inferiority, inadequacy, ineptness, depression, worthlessness, defensiveness, anger, and anxiety – some of the most potent forms of mental anguish.

So is it worth it? Ego driven perfectionistic standards and expectations? Apparently so, I tell myself. But I find that, too often, I just spend so much mental energy fixated on some unmet standard to no avail.

But the harsh reality is that more often than not, what we think of ourselves is not actually what we are, across both spectrums. We seem to magnify the positive and negative attributes of our personalities, when in fact, we lie somewhere in between. While we aren’t as good or perfect as we want or think to be, we aren’t as bad either. And knowing that is kind of comforting. Painful, yea, but also liberating, because it helps create the space and freedom to move forward without the emotional discomfort of not living up to some a priori expectation. We are too over and underrated.

Big Ideas