third year claire torak

I’m just going to say it: I’m not a size four anymore, and I haven’t been for a while. And, while I’m being honest, I absolutely hate that that’s true.

As of late, my body is my biggest enemy.

All of the pants I no longer fit in stare at me like unfulfilled prophecies. I still keep my favorite pair of jeans in the back of my closet, praying that soft, blue fabric will once again hang perfectly from my hips.

I’m constantly looking at old photos of myself, longing for the days when I wasn’t so aware of the space I occupied, and how I looked doing it. I get angry at myself when I remember a time when my thighs didn’t stick together due to heat, or when I was wearing baggy clothing because it was comfortable, not because I wanted to hide underneath them.

It’s a funny thing to compare myself to myself. I’m envious of a life I am no longer living, a person I no longer am.

I know that I’m chasing after my own ghost, but I still want nothing more than to be that version of myself again.

Because of this yearning, I put so much pressure on myself that it’s only made me more adverse to making a change. I am so afraid of living up to my own standards that I don't even try.

In being my own worst critic, I’ve forgotten to forgive myself. I’ve forgotten to be proud of all of the other things I managed to achieve, regardless of my waistline. I’ve forgotten to let myself just be, for better or for worse. (I’ll let you in on a secret: it’s mostly for the better.)

Although, recently I’ve realized that growing out of my body helped me grow into myself. In my newfound readiness to speak up about my unhealthy body image, I’ve opened the door for more softness and grace towards the things I used to beat myself up for.

I know now that I am not just my body.

I’m someone that, in the last year, managed to get on the Dean’s List after almost losing my scholarship the semester before. I’m someone who started therapy after years of resistance. I’m someone who’s finally starting to communicate in situations that would have made me shut down a year ago. I’m someone who has a job that I love and friends that I adore. I’m someone who’s proud of my progress (and I should be).

Every day, I’m learning how to be kinder to myself. It’s really fucking hard. Working on the way I see myself is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do, because it’s one of the most necessary. I still have bad days, but I’m finally taking the steps to understand that the person I am becoming is so much more beautiful than my flesh could ever be.

I'm Finally Ready to Talk About My Body