fourth year sydney kohne

Is it better to speak or die?

This is a phrase that’s been resonating in my head since freshman year of college when I first read Andre Aciman’s coming of age romance novel “Call Me By Your Name”. Amongst other lines in the book and its subsequent award-winning film, I connected with this one the most, to the point where I vowed it would be the first tattoo I’d ever get (and still is).

I always liked to consider myself the person that wasn’t afraid of confrontation or someone who would tell you like it is without holding back. To a degree, I was and still am. But after I read this book and before I pulled apart the true meaning of it, I fooled myself into thinking that my blunt and honest way of speaking was as far reaching as the book’s famous line conveyed.

It wasn’t until much later did I admit to myself that I was only applying this self-minted life motto to the relationships that I didn’t actually care about. I was being honest with people because I didn’t care too much about hurting their feelings, or I assumed that they didn’t hold much stock in my opinion to begin with. I wasn’t being truthful with the people who really mattered to me, in the relationships that needed the nourishment of complete candor. I was staring at the tip of the iceberg and was still oblivious to everything underneath the surface.

Once I came to this realization, I worked to implement the query’s message into the exchanges that mattered most to me. I had the hard conversations with my conservative parents about the Black Lives Matter protests and their purpose, when I’d never wanted to dig too deeply into “politics” with them before. I had more honest talks with my roommate than we’ve ever had in the last three years of knowing each other, and now there’s no doubt in my mind that she is my best friend. I finally sat down with someone close to my heart and opened up on topics that I never thought I’d have the strength to approach.

Amongst it all, I grew. I grew in my meaningful relationships with the people I value most. I matured with them. I realized I was doing myself the biggest favor I’d done in a long time. Understanding that it’s better to speak than to die is an entire iceberg, with the largest and most valuable piece of the lesson lying below the water’s surface.

On the Importance of Speaking Up