third year julia mun

When I was younger, and honestly far more athletic than I am now, I used to go swimming a lot. Whether it was for fun at a local community pool or for competitions at school, I would try to go as often as I could. I remember how the clinging smell of chlorine seemed to be permanently in my skin and how my wet hair would literally freeze in the winter air.

Every time I went swimming, I would find a moment to float on my back. There was nothing more overwhelmingly peaceful than floating. The air above would warm me up while the water beneath would cool me down. I could look up at the shifting sky or the patterns on the ceiling, and the water would ebb around me. I could let go for a moment - all I had to do was just float with my thoughts.

I don’t remember when floating started to become so difficult. Throughout the past several years, I have been sinking into my thoughts, rather than floating like I used to. They aren’t so peaceful either - they are loud, angry, and demanding. They start attacking me with doubts and questions. What am I doing now? What will I become? At this rate, I will never get anywhere.

As a small fish in an ocean, it is hard not to see the accomplishments of other people - it is impossible not to at this point. I joke about it - wow, what am I doing with my life? - but immediately compare myself to my peers. I doubt my own work. I undervalue my own efforts. Every one of my accomplishments feels so inconsequential in the grand scheme of my life. Although it is so easy to sink into these habitual thoughts, I am tired of feeling disappointed and critical of myself. I am tired of undermining my abilities and aspirations.

It is so easy to feel overwhelmed - this was not the first time, and it is certainly not the last time. I unfortunately have no practical advice to offer, as I am still in the learning process too. But I have learned that there is a distinction between floating and drowning. I know that it is important to recognize your hard work and to remain diligent in what you do, but it is also important to keep at least your head above the water. Answers are not immediate, and it is okay to take a moment to breathe. Let yourself float and have patience with yourself until you find peace.

Floating