third year claire torak

From: Alice Smith

To: Claire Torak

Subject: 70s Party RSVP

Hey Claire,

I’m just following up with you about my party on Friday night. I’d absolutely love it if you could come. Just let me know, and hopefully I’ll see you there.
Best,

Alice

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From: Claire Torak

To: Alice Smith

Subject: RE: 70s Party RSVP

Hey Alice,

You know that feeling, that “AHA!” moment that just hits you like a hangover does on Sunday morning, that “I’ve finally figured this out” moment? I finally had mine, and it just so happened that it was upon opening your party invitation.

I’d like to think that I am, and always have been, a pretty decent white liar. An I’m sick here, a doctor’s appointment there, a family obligation sprinkled in every now and then一 all harmless, all wonderfully effective. I was going to send you one of those, but then I asked myself: why do I have to make excuses for things I don’t want to do?

Why do I feel like I always owe someone my time, attention, or presence?

I’m going to be completely honest: I have no desire to go to your event, to dress up and surround myself with people that are, quite frankly, the human equivalent of watching paint dry. If this were me a week ago, I would have dragged myself to your house clad in makeup and clothes that make me way more conscious of my body than I’d like to be, but that was a week ago, and this is now.

You aren’t entitled to my existence, or my excuses. I’m not going to lie to you. My declination is simple: I don’t want to go, so I’m not going to.

I feel like a child that just learned to walk, but instead, I uttered the word “no” for the very first time. I don’t want to be a “yes” person anymore. I’m wearing thin from going to every party I’m invited to and always picking up that extra shift at work and spending time watching TV with my roommates instead of studying.

It’s like I’m always running, always moving as quickly as possible from one place to the next, from one person to another. Running and running until I’m aching and out of breath.

Finally, I’ve realized that slowing down is the most liberating thing I can do.

So, I’m saying no. I’m going to respectfully and eagerly sit this one out, because the only person I owe anything to is myself. Maybe I’ll figure out how to do my taxes, or tie my shoes the right way, or finish that book I started months ago and forgot about. I mean, it doesn’t really matter, because whatever it is I’ll be doing it an expression of my autonomy, and that is good enough for me.*

Sincerely,

Claire Torak

*What you were reading was only my first draft. What I actually said was:

Sorry Alice, I have a family obligation this weekend and won’t be able to make it.

Best,

Claire

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